When was the last time you were in a great conversation that got interrupted by the other person breaking connection and looking down at their phone or computer? The better question is: When was the last time that ``DIDN'T" happen?.... 

You're not alone. Studies * show that 48% of people snub via their device 203 times a day! 

This now common occurrence, Technoference is the habit of being distracted by your tech when you're with others

Technoference can happen over a meal, while waiting in line at the movies or a concert, on a date or in an important meeting.  In can happen at the office and it can happen at home.

Think about the last meeting you were in a meeting- even a Zoom conference call.  There you were, engaged, perhaps answering a question or telling a great story when you felt it, you saw it.

Someone looked away, their gaze wandering and then clearly focusing on something else.  Were they looking at someones text or watching another video?  Could you tell they were typing?  If you were with them in person, you knew for sure.  Something on their laptop, their desktop computer or their phone was more important or maybe just more interesting than you.  Imagine how that feels when you do that to anyone- especially your kids.

When it comes to time with the most important relationship in you life-devices are dividing your attention.  The cellphone- the tablet can make multi-tasking seem easier, help you manage your to do list or be a tool for connection or enjoying entertainment together. But often it can be like your toggling between your kids emotional needs and something important on the screen. 

But when they compete for your attention as a parent or partner, you miss high quality face to face interactions.  Crucial for your love life and for your kids socioemotional development. 

 Here's what Technoference research shows:

• It Can Hurt, especially kids.  It can look like behavior problems, harm cognitive development and their feelings of closeness to you

• It Can Cause Anxiety And Depression

• Being Screen Snubbed Can Cause One To Focus On The Negative

• Screen Snubbing Causes Conflict and Unhappiness in Relationships

• The More You Screen Snub, The More Normal It Seems

Choosing Your Screen Over Me Makes Me Anxious and Depressed

Many of us can probably relate to how it feels to be engaged with someone and have them look away at a screen.  All the sudden the good conversation and connection feels false.  It makes sense that the folks in the experiment began to focus on negative, rather that positive information. 

But they're adults.  Can you imagine how kids feel? You'll see Dr. Tracy Dennis-Tiwary  in this truly heart breaking visual of her experiments of what happens to kids when their parents let a device get in the middle of their sweet, important bond. 

I love that Tiwary is doing this research- but oh, it's SO painful to watch!

This is just a glimpse of the larger on digital disruption and infants. Tiwary says that "Children became distressed and despondent when they could not connect with their parents. If parents reported spending high levels of time on screens at home, children showed less emotional resilience and greater difficulty reconnecting with parents once the two-minute period was over."

More recent research of 15,000 kids says that "Parents' use of technology in their child's presence was negatively associated(resulted in)cognitive and psychosocial outcomes and screen time among young children"

What they found specifically, was that when infants were the victims of technoference they had more behavioral issues, they ended up using screens more by the time they were 5 and they had less attachment bonds with their parents.  It was worse when both parents were distracted by their devices.

Technoference and Very Little Babies

Another study focused on just mommys and babies. This one was heart-breaking for me to read.  Researchers looked at mom/baby interactions with and without technoference.  When mom was distracted by her phone, baby had more protest behavior, higher cardiac arousal, and reduced parasympathetic activity. And moms suffered too-tugged away from bonding with baby, they of course experinced less social engagement with their little one, accompanied by increased parasympathetic activity and decreased physiological arousal--which sadly remained lower during reunions. 

Adults who experience technoference from their partners just aren't as happy in their relationships

Raise your hands if you've felt this way when your partner was with you, but it felt like they were somewhere else or with someone else as they smiled or laughed as they looked at a screen.

In a study of screens and intimate relationships, women said "technoference"  was ruining their relationships. They researchers found that the everyday screen intrusions interrupted the flow of conversation.

Ya think?  Nothing worse then having that all important "talk" only to have your hubby look away at the screen.  And it goes both ways, sometimes we like the "escape hatch" masquerading as a screen when we don't want to talk.

And here's a tidbit that will get you thinking or wondering- In a recent survey of 1,000 healthy adults, 17% admitted to checking their screens during sex. What!?

Yes, which is just one more reason the results of this study  are not surprising.

Screen interruptions or technoference if you will, was was associated  with higher conflict and lower relationships satisfaction. 143 married or cohabiting women, were asked how tech was effecting their relationships.  A stunning majority reported that phones, computers and other technology devices were significantly disruptive in their relationships.

And it’s not just women who don’t appreciate the dis of a screen snub, A newer study of 245 married couples came to the same conclusion: marital and relationship dissatisfaction. And that in turn led to depression.  Is whatever is on that screen that important? 

Sadly, The More You Snub And Get Snubbed, The More You're Okay With It.

A study looking at screen addiction issues found that more screen addiction behavior, the more there was snubbing and being snubbed.

And even more interesting is that the the study found the more snubbing going on, the more normal it was perceived.

Had Enough Screen Snubbing, Phubbing and Technoference?  Here’s How To Stop It: 

Get Those Screens Out Of Sight

• This on is pretty obvious - but when you sit down for a coffee with a friend or start a meeting, put your devices in your bag, close that laptop during a presentation or better yet keep all devices in another room this will help keep you from automatically reaching for it or checking notifications. It's been scientifically proven that just having your phone in sight- even when it's in another room- is so distracting. it actually consumes finite brain space- Think of it like it's a person calling out your name!  Put it on Airplane mode to give your body a healthy break from EMF too! 

Come Up With A Code Word

• Find you and your BFF or partner are pouring out some technoference on your relationship?  Hold each other accountable by coming up with a silly code word you can say when you catch the other one snubbing; like "sunshine" or "peaches" or "Love" or "Put that down or I'll throw it in the trash." Get your kids involved in this too to help build their awareness of screen versus real connectivity. 

Buy An Analog Watch!

• Buy a watch! Don't let "checking the time" become an excuse to pull you away from your conversation and into the vortex of notifications. Get an old school watch instead, an Apple Watch will only perpetuate the problem. 

Make Your Screen Time "On Purpose"

• When it's time to write that email, make the phone call, scroll, text, research the wonderful world wide web or finish that report- DO IT.  Don't let people or your device distract you.  I'm nutty about turning off notifications when I need to be engaged- even with my laptop or phone. When you've given your screen a fair share of your time, it's easier to unplug for unconnected time.

ONE OF THE BEST AND HEALTHIEST WAYS TO DO SCREEN TIME IS WITH A STAND AND A STYLUS! IT HELPS PREVENT TECH-NECK AND AVOID EMF.

Be Here (There) Now

• Mindfulness is the practice of being intentional about what you're thinking and what you're doing.  The glorious joys of interacting with your children- whether it's riding in the car or playing on the floor together are multiplied when your experience them fully.  Same goes for time with your partner and hey, even time with your co-workers or clients or the checker at the grocery store.  Be Present.

--Even back when screens weren't an option, I learned the power of presence--from a real rock star.

This is a fun story that makes me smile every time I tell it.  Back in the 90's before cell phones, I was invited to a fundraiser for a professional organization of physicians.  We were sat waaay in the back corner of a huge tent full of nicely dressed attendees.  The special entertainment that night was none other than Rod Stewart.  He came out on stage grabbed the microphone and out came that patent pending voice.  I was so into it.  I couldn't stop smiling.  There I was, swaying to the sweet sound of Rod Stewart, clapping of course, with a huge smile on my face. I noticed most of the crowd in front of me was not as enthusiastic and some were even getting up and going--where? Leaving? To the restroom?  The song ended to mild applause from the group.  It seemed like they were just tired from the long night of speeches and such.  The chatting amongst the tables got louder. I was just completely focused on the performer.   Rod motioned offstage and a guy came with a wireless microphone and guess what?!  Rod Stewart jumped off the stage and ran through the tables to the back of the room--to MY table! He pulled up a chair and sang to ME only.  He even grabbed a glass of water from the table, held it up and toasted me and kissed me on the cheek.

People notice when you're engaged and focused on what they're saying and doing.

Being totally engaged in the moment does not go unnoticed. 

Try it next time you're in any social situation.  Even waiting in line. And as much as you can, let the people that are close to you feel like rock stars. 

xo August

References:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/40323594/ Parents Technoference means more behavior, cognitive and attatchment to parents problems

Parental Technoference and Child Problematic leads to more problematic media use

Maternal Smartphone Use on Maternal and Infants' Interaction Dynamics

Digital disruption and infants attachment

Married and coparenting couples and technoference

Screen Addiction/phubbing study

screen addictions study 

Marital satisfaction study